Dancing In Between the Raindrops Where My Demons Hide

I haven't been around for a while. I am beginning to think I have been in denial of the toll life is taking on me. My Therapist has been encouraging me to "Take care of yourself" and for the first time, I saw why.

This weekend my mom was in town to help celebrate my oldest child's birthday. One of our outings was a visit to a local family friendly attraction and I brought a camera. Just for giggles, I decided to ask my mom to take a couple photos of me, as I am always the one taking the pictures and very seldom am I ever in them. Last night, I uploaded the photos to my computer to view them and that is when I saw it. When I had viewed the images on the back of my camera, on that very small screen, my focus was drawn to my belly or what always appears to me as my never ending clevage. It wasn't until I looked at them on my computer that I was able to look past those things that were prominent to me at the time the photos were being taken. I look like hell, and that is putting it nicely. Despite the smile on my face, my eyes scream exhaustion and the bags beneeth them help enforce the look. While I have always had an issue with bags under my eyes, the darkening of the skin and almost black appearance does nothing but say my smile is lying. My shoulders up around my ears make my neck all but disappear. I have been trying to be more aware of the tension in my shoulders, only to feel extreme discomfort in the ball joints when I relax them and drop them down to where they are supposed to be.

I woke this morning with a great amount of anxiety about an event I am to work a week from today. Despite the repercutions and possible negetive gossip it will likely cause, I called the person who hired me to tell them that I am unable to provide them the services they had asked me to provide. They had not paid or signed a contract for these services as of yet, so I felt more comfortable walking away. However, It still brought me additional anxiety when I called her to tell her I just couldn't do it. The conversation basically included my telling her that due to personal reasons and exceptionally bad timing, I would not be able to work for them. I apologized profusely and fortunately for me, she seemed understanding and compassionate towards my situation. I felt better afterwards, but am still feeling the emotional effects of my own reflection in the photos I viewed.

Anyone would be feeling incredibly stressed an emotional with the current events I am experiencing, my Therapist keeps telling me and I continually try to remind myself. But today is extremely difficult. My body is screaming out in pain and my emotions are on a roller coaster that I provides the vomit inducing climbs and zero gravity drops. I am feeling overwhelmed by the things I need to do and should be doing and just want to crawl back into bed and ignore them all. But. I can't. I need to stay in my "window". My "window" of consciousness. This emotional "window" is a place I need to remind myself to work towards remaining at all times so that I can deal with the days challenges and struggles. This "window" was obviously provided to me by my Therapist as a tool I am to utilize as a state of consciousness to help me through each day. If I am above the window, in a "Hyper" state, I am anxious, jumpy, unable to focus, etc. If I am below the window in a "Hypo" state, I am numb, unmotivated, in a "I don't give a shit" state. When I woke this morning I was ready to vomit. I have felt like that for the past couple of days. I haven't been able to concentrate on jack and I am like a little kid who has had too much sugar and can't get along with any of his friends.

Why am I feeling this way? My Therapist is amazing. I feel very connected and comfortable to/with her. She has explained it as I am in a place where I feel safe and able to address the things I have repressed for all these years and they are coming out of my subconscious to be rectified. A couple of weeks ago, we opened Pandora's box about my sexual abuse and started talking about it in a way I have NEVER discussed with ANYONE. We didn't just talk about the fact it happened, like I have with multiple other therapists, but we actually started talking about the individual events. Things I hadn't thought about in years have been coming out at their own leisure. It has affected me in ways I wish I could control. My husband hasn't been able to touch me in a sexual way for almost a month. The thought of sex makes me want to vomit. I feel incredibly bad for this and have thought about offering myself in non-traditional ways that wouldn't allow my mind to connect the past with the present. But I haven't, because I would hate to do so and then end up having a break-down and then excusing myself from the situation while bawling. That would totally make any future connection awkward.

In addition to the before mentioned, in July we were notified we are going through foreclosure. I HATE Wells Fargo. They are crooks. Despite them telling us they "don't want your home", every action and dealing speaks volumes to the opposite. We have been notified our Sheriff's Sale is set for December 5th and our move out date is June 5th. This Friday, I have to appear in court as I am being sued for a chiropractic bill. This guy is a real piece of work! I started using his services in 2001 and the way our insurance was set up, I was using a lot of my annual deductible at his office. Once the bill started to accumulate and I became concerned about paying for his services, I had multiple conversations with him about my inability to pay. He kept telling me, "I'm not worried about it. With your Fibromyalgia, you need these services and treatments, we can worry about the money later." This went on for over a decade. I got to a point where I could afford to make monthly payments and supplied his office with a credit card to be charged $25 monthly. With his endless high turnover with office staff, things kept changing, people kept dropping the ball and two years later I was informed that a payment hadn't been processed for over a year. NO ONE, had mentioned it before this point. Things quickly became sour after I went in for an adjustment and he saw my new tattoo. A tattoo that I had gotten for free in exchange for services. But, he didn't want to hear that, or believe me whatever the case may be, and his demeanor went from happy to see me to an overly sour and dark body language. I quit using his services, which meant he was no longer receiving payments from my insurance company, and now here we are.

 I am physically sick because of everything I am dealing with. I just want to go to bed and never come out. Today's cloudy dreary weather doesn't help. Summer is over, fall is beginning to show signs of winter, and my subconscious is reminding me that Minnesota's longest season of cloudy dark days and lack of sunshine is drawing near. My isolation from people I sometimes refer to as friends is taking it's toll.

Keeping in mind that when I feel this way, there is nothing positive, I can't do anything right, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and life just down right sucks, what I say needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

I have only seldom been suicidal. I used to say I have never been, but I am learning that isn't true. I have a fear of dying and the "eternal darkness" that goes along with it. Despite that fear, I have at several stages of my life, wanted to embrace the darkness and not have to deal with the physical and emotional pain. It makes me sad to say so, but I do feel it is important to recognized these feelings and give them the attention they require. While I have felt like this in the past, I don't feel that way now. That too is important to acknowledge. Right now, I simply don't feel well physically and I feel like an emotional puddle.

This song is currently something you will hear me blasting in my car or in the house. I play it over and over again, hoping that the words reiderrate through my soul. Reminding me that I'm not alone, I'm not dealing with these issues by myself. I need to be reminded that my husband loves me and that he isn't going anywhere, no matter what I am dealing with or the demons I am facing.

Then after I looked at the photos of myself last night and heard this song in the garage, I felt like breaking down and bawling.

......... I am reminded that I am strong. I don't give myself enough credit.

I am okay. I am safe. I will get through this. Something I find myself repeating at several places in my life, "Everything is temporary. Whether it is good, bad or otherwise, nothing lasts forever." I just have to remind myself of this and work through all of my challenges and get to the point where I can look at a photo of myself and know that I am indeed, ok.

My Reflection

Pulling into town last night, after being away a week for the holiday, my heart sunk. Being at my mothers for just over a week, felt like a break from reality. I didn't have to worry about the money I didn't have for groceries, or the unpaid bills. Coming home wasn't a warm welcoming, it felt like I was walking in on someone else's world. A world I don't want to be a part of, a world full of stressors and anxiety. It makes me nervous to watch. Then I realize this is my life. I love the actors, but the situations we are in and the place we live don't seem to fit where we need or want to be. We have all these dreams and aspirations, one could say that we have the aspirations of children. The weight of reality is pulling us down, yet our dreams feel within reach. How do you get from here to there? With everything that has happened in our world, the changes in the value of the almighty dollar and the value of an individual as a person rather than a number........ I feel disconnected from the beliefs of the world and society I live in. As I told my husband tonight, nothing feels right. Other than being with him and the children we have shared, our world doesn't seem to fit here. I'm living a lie. I am not happy here and can no longer pretend to be. Every time I walk past someone who has seen me during the last ten years of my life, times during challenges and struggles, they can't look me in the eye or muster a hello. The person they have seen in parenting discussions, feelings shared during some of the most vulnerable of times, is not who I am. The conclusions they have drawn, the conversations they have had about me in my absence, are not who I am. They do not know me. They only think they do. It has been said I have alienated everyone I have known in town. How does one alienate others when only respecting themselves?

My mother came home with us, so we could spend New Year's together. I have fear and sadness that will come undone once she leaves. My days will go back to silence filled rooms, family life messes that will only be tended to by me, a lonely stay-at-home mom with an empty house.

The strongest fear of all, one day waking up to find the love of my life got tired of the constant state of my unhappiness, the mood swings, and his inability to make me happy or his ability to sustain his own happiness any more. I will wake up alone, and not understand why it happened or how it came to be.

How do I fix it? How can I make it better? What do I do to bring back my ability to find happiness in the life I live? As much I wanted to, I was never able to find the slightest bit of sunshine on the cloudiest of days. I walked around with a smile tattooed on my face, never digging deeper to find how I really felt. Then one day, a friend sat me down and told me who I am. I am a pretender. I am someone who walks around pretending to be happy but not having any reason to be as such. I don't know who I am, never looking past my own reflection in the mirror, to see who I am inside. After having the mirror placed in front of me, having been forced to look through the plate of glass to determine the edges of the ever so slightly peeling silver paper gilded to the back, I discovered someone I have never before seen.

As the years have passed the looking glass has aged and the glass has become clear as all the silver paper has been scraped away. My reflection is no longer there. Without a reflection, how do you see who you are? What if the reflection you catch a glimpse of in the store window isn't who you are, but who everyone else sees? Why can't my reflection show who I am on the inside? Why do I always have to see who everyone else sees and not who I know I am? I am a vibrant soul. I am generous. I am loving. I am passionate. I am creative. I am beautiful. I am worth loving. I am a great mother. I am forgiving. I am breakable. I am a friend. I am trust worthy. I am capable of great things. I am a person. I am a living being. I am breathing. I hurt. I am NOT perfect. I am flawed. I am what my physical body allows me to be. I am depression. I am anxiety. I am being held against my will by a body that will not allow me to cope with every day life. I am disappointed. I am anguish. I am frustrated. I am crazy. I am vulnerable. I am the woman who no one wants to befriend. I am unstable. I am rejected. I am who I am, and I cannot change that. I can only do so much. I do not own a cape. I am what I allow myself to be. I have to stop allowing the opinions of others to carry such great worth in my own personal value. I want my reflection to come back. I want to be able to see the smile I was once happy to share with the world. The past needs to stay in the past. I spent so much time trying to scrape away my ability to look into the past that I forgot to leave enough silver so I could see who I am going forward. All I see now are the hills and mountains on the other side of the glass, with no encouragement from within to conquer what lays before me.

It used to be I could see my reflection in the puddles left behind from the storms. Since then, it has gotten much colder and the raindrops have turned to snowflakes and the puddles have become black ice. I can only hope that the sun returns, melting the snow and returning my reflection to the puddles. Some day, I will rediscover my ability to dance in the rain and splash in the puddles, without worry of what will come of my clothes, hair, and makeup. I look forward to the day I dance again, as there is nothing quite like dancing in the rain.

American Seagull Tears

You know things are messed up when you walk away from a clothing store near tears because you didn't understand the sale correctly. Here, I had thought the jeans and pants were buy one, get one at half off. After spending 30 minutes trying on and narrowing down my decision, and then standing in line for another 15 minutes, only to discover my mistake..... I walked out of the store empty handed and near tears. I felt like a complete idiot and fool. Seriously, who can't handle shopping without crying? Me! Seriously. Good grief O_o.

I'm the first one to admit, a large portion of my anxiety comes from money and never having enough. The fact I am unable to hold down and full-time job because of the combination of my Anxiety, Depression, and Fibromyalgia doesn't help my feeling of being helpless. I honestly feel like I am incapable of living a "normal" life. I often feel guilty due to the fact that I feel like my husband has the shitty end of the stick and has four kids instead of three. I mean honestly, who can't even manage to take their kids to school and handle cleaning the house after her family? That's right, you guessed it, me! Not to mention the fact that my nails are breaking off at the quick and my hair is falling out in chunks. I swear, I have as much hair on my head as Barbie does, it's pitiful.

I don't know that my outlook has changed much since this morning, but I think I have just become too tired to think about it. I feel exhausted! My legs are killing me, the muscles are tight and feel like my calves are so swollen that I had a difficult time zipping my boots. When I am standing, my head is swimmy and the world occasionally spins. My eyes are dry and heavy. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I just want to be a vegetable. No responsibilities or reason to be concerned.

I'm also concerned about my mom. We went to go see Grandpa yesterday (Christmas Day), and that was really hard on her. Grandma has been gone for eleven years now, and having to watch Grandpa slowly dwindle down to nothing is torturous. She has been his heart and soul for so many years, to not have that connection with him anymore, is heartbreaking for her. Her only sibling, her brother, moved to town last year and has since become isolated and refuses to talk to her, no explanation. Plus, my sister (my only sibling from my mother) is being a complete and total witch. She has come to exclude herself and her daughter from any family events in which I am involved. So, by trying to "punish" me, she is actually punishing my mother by not allowing her to have the family events she would like to host. Living 250 miles away from my mother and leaving her after the holidays have come to an end, is near traumatic. I feel absolutely horrible when I leave, knowing how isolated she feels. However, the idea of living in the town she lives in, makes my skin crawl. I've been there, done that. I can't stand the freezing cold tundra and the lack of sun for weeks on end. If I could have it my way, my husband would get a job that pays more than we could ever wish for, in a city which the sun shines 350 days a year, and we would be able to purchase a home with a mother-in-law apartment. Perfection. But, alas, perfection is impossible and nothing but a dream.

As I sit here, loading up on carbs (caramel corn and pizza), I can feel my gut expanding and my clothes becoming tighter. Love you too, Insulin Resistance! Anyway.... enough of my rambling. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, but don't tell me about it cause it will just make my mind go off on how shitty I feel about the price tag of mine.

Wishing your day is full of sunshine and gumdrops,

Misunderstood Rain Dancer

Post Christmas Blues

I woke today, December 26th, with anxiety and great sadness. Up until now, I think Christmas had been taking my mind off of reality. I woke up feeling like the world was falling apart, my world. An overwhelming feeling about the mortgages and the fact they are two months behind, utility bills that are piling up and demanding attention, and the kids' ADD/ADHD and their un-medicated state of screaming, arguing, and constant dissatisfaction. I wonder how many other people woke this morning feeling the same way, like they are quickly snapped back to reality.

My hands are shaking, my mind is spinning, and I physically feel dizzy. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything. I have so much running through my mind right now, it is difficult to pinpoint a thought to be able to type about it. That being said, I just wanted to share what my day has brought so far. I will hopefully be able to write more later.

Happy up the meds day!

The Hangover

I don't know what the day after an anxiety attack is like for others, but for me, it is a recovery process. I am physically exhausted and my Fibromyalgia is fully inflamed. My brain is foggy and my memory,  in a vault with no chance of remembering the combination. Concentration? There is very little. I have the attention span of a gnat. That is why it has taken me almost 45 minutes to type this much! What is going on in my head? I am super paranoid, who all knows about yesterday's events? Is that person not smiling at me because they too now think I am crazy?

On a larger, more public scale........There was a massive shooting at an elementary school today, in Connecticut. A minimum of twenty-seven kindergarteners and first graders were killed. All because a parent lost control. THAT is crazy! Who in their mind, would find it a reasonable decision to go into a school and shoot a bunch of children?  I can't even begin to wrap my head around what those families are going through. Why? Those families, those children.... I just cannot imagine. As the parent of three children, all of whom are in elementary school and my husband, is a teacher. Acts of violence at schools, hit incredibly close to home. No teacher is paid enough for putting up with disgruntled parents. Even my husband has had people threaten his career, his personal life, and verbally attacked him. This is not new to any teacher. No child, teacher, or support staff, should be afraid to go to work. If our children can't be safe at school, where can they? My heart goes out to the families of the victims and the families of those within the community.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Today started out crappy, courtesy of damn facebook. There is nothing quite like waking up, checking your emails and your facebook to find out that overnight you had your "friends" saying you need a Valium. But, I got up out of bed anyway and tried to brush it off. Only after posting and saying how I didn't appreciate the comment, even if it was meant to be a joke. It hurt my feelings! The remainder of the morning and early afternoon was fabulous, spent in the company of a talented and friendly colleague. I return to my car to find out my "friend" has called me out as being "crazy" and continues to post that everyone in town warned her as much, and that she wished she had listened.

First off, there are many issues with this statement. Facebook can be the devil! It creates drama where there isn't any and things quickly grow to massive proportions of hurt feelings all before it implodes. Friendships are lost over words that hurt can not be unsaid, it is just bad. If it wasn't for social media being a major part of the advertising I do for my job, I would walk away from it (no matter how difficult it would be). Secondly, why on earth are people in town talking about me? I am NOT that interesting. Trust me! I'm sure plenty of you will learn that on your own as you read my posts :P. Secondly, why do relationships have to be so dang complicated? I support, encourage, provide a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and mute lips to allow for venting, a non-judgemental and honest relationship. Is it really too much to ask for the same in return? It sure seems like it is! Ah, but there is the key, "It SEEMS like it is". During my mid-afternoon mini panic attack, I wanted to run my car off the road and take myself out by hopefully rolling a couple times. But, I didn't. Obviously. I was feeling incredibly alone, misunderstood, hurt, angry, not surprised (knowing who the "everyone in town" is that she would have been referring to), all while feeling ashamed of the fact that one of the two relationships I considered to be the healthiest I have had with someone other than my husband, in the last decade, was a facade. She said that she hoped that I never had to deal with a tragedy, because I would find very few people to support me if I did. I would be all alone because I had alienated everyone I have ever met.  Well, I already knew that people with small minds only talk about other people, but thank you for confirming that I left the book club, Mom's Club, and ECFE just in time to save myself from the largest group of judgmental people in our community. But why, why did she have to say I am crazy? She knows, better than most, that I am extra emotionally sensitive. We have spent hours discussing my depression and anxiety, she knows my struggles. But, I guess that also means she also knows my vulnerabilities. She knew which buttons to push to make me hurt and question myself.

Why do I have to be like this? Can't I just be "normal"? Why do I have to constantly over analyze everything to the point of making it so I can't see straight or think of anything other than what I am analyzing? I HATE feeling like I am a failure at life. And that is ALWAYS where I end up in the midst of an attack. I'm not a good enough mother, my kids would be better off without me. My husband has WAY too much to deal with already, that he doesn't need to have a crazy wife when he is incredibly intelligent, tender, kind, and an amazing father. Why would he want to be with me? I'm holding him back from so much. If I wasn't here, then that would be one less mouth to feed, car to pay for, clothing and personal costs to consider. If I wasn't here, everything in my world would be incredibly better. I'm not going to lie. On my way home today, I didn't want to live to see the sun set. I couldn't have cared less about the value of life, unless I was already dead. But, here's the catch 22. I'm afraid of dying. I'm terrified of ceasing to exist, the eternal darkness. I want to leave a mark on this world that will leave proof that I was here! I don't want to be another name engraved into a headstone or an urn. "I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody."  No, I don't want to be somebody who leaves their mark on the world by leaving a splat mark on the highway beneath the bridge. I keep telling them, I'm not a messy doer. If I ever did do it, I would do it with pills. Less fuss, less muss.

All I want is a friend. No offense, but my husband and my mother just don't cut it all the time. I need someone who understands what I am going through, because they themselves are there too. I wanna dance with somebody who understands from first hand experiences, someone I have met through my "normal" life. Someone who I thought of as "normal". If someone else is able to pull of normalcy when dealing with this crap, I sure as hell can too! I don't need a support group.... there is nothing like walking into a room full of strangers and spilling your guts in between the sobs. That makes me want to pop a bottle of pills as quickly as possible.  If you don't personally know the people within the group who deal with the same issues as you, you wonder about that other person's life and you compare yourself to them. "Do I sound like that when I ramble?", "Do I look like that when I am stressed or having an attack", "Do I allow my anxiety to take that much control over my daily life for extended periods of time?" "What else is this person dealing with?" "Is this person just like me, better or worse?" "What is this person like outside of sessions?" Again, over analyzing.

Part of my problem, so the Crisis Therapist has said, is that I care too much. No one cares as much about other people as I do. I want to fix the world. Ok, not the world, but I want to help my friends and acquaintances through their trials and tribulations. I am not one of those people who thrives on other people's unhappiness. It's not like that. I just constantly feel the need to "help" others. My family and I live paycheck to paycheck, so money isn't a commodity with which I can help others, so I offer of myself. She also reminded me that most of the world's most creative minds have had mental health disorders. She said a lot of the people she sees are in the arts or creativity fields. We all tend to be uber sensitive to the world around us. That is what makes us ultra perceptive and gives us the ability to translate that in our work, expressing emotion.

Do you ever look around you and evaluate those who are in your life, and wonder who you can trust? Who can you be honest with? With who can you share your deepest, darkest thoughts, and not scare off? I am sick to my stomach over the fact that I often find myself alone. There isn't enough Valium in the world that can cure my loneliness.

The first post of which is bound to be many. This blog is about a journey (do the majority of blogs start out with this same line?)..... my life-long journey of living with Anxiety, Depression and other various non-mental health related illnesses. I am here, not only to journal my experiences and thoughts, but also to let people know there are other people out there that are dealing with many of the same issues. There will be moments of "I feel that way sometimes too!"  or  "Wow, this person really is messed up! It makes my life look fantastic!" If at any time it is the latter, please keep your comments to yourself, as you likely don't have diagnosed anxiety or depression and won't understand. I am both anxious and excited about this blog. One, it will be nice to be able to write about my experiences and feelings. However, I am EXTREMELY nervous of the labels that people who you thought were your friends will give once they find out who I am. Hence the anonymity. I guarantee you, there will be times when things I discuss are going to be about as personal as they come and if I offend, I apologize in advance.

I am writing this opening post, hours after having a small to medium anxiety attack. I am fully concious of my actions currently, but I guarantee when I am writing during an attack, things may be illogical, far from reality, without correct punctuation, and will be typed with great emotion. Consider yourself warned.


The last thing I want to leave you with in this introductory post, is a list of some of the well known people who have/had issues with Anxiety and or Depression. You are not alone and you can still be fabulous! (Remind me of this, as I too need to be told on occasion that life is worth living.)

~Brooke Shields                          ~Anthony Hopkins
~Princess Diana                           ~Janet Jackson
~Emma Thompson                      ~Courtney Love
~Halle Berry                                ~Alanis Morissette
~Billy Joel                                    ~Dolly Parton
~Drew Carey                                ~Winona Ryder
~Drew Barrymore                        ~Robin Williams
~Jim Carrey                                  ~Heather Locklear
~Zach Braff                                  ~Barbra Streisand
~Helena Bonham Carter              ~Naomi Campbell
~Sheryl Crow                              ~David Bowie
~Ellen DeGeneres                       ~Kylie Minogue
~Kirsten Dunst                            ~Herman Melville (Moby Dick)
~Queen Elizbeth II                      ~Ashley Judd
~Colin Farrell                              ~Anne Heche
~Heath Ledger                             ~Ansel Adams
~Hugh Laurie                              ~Albert Einstein
~J.K. Rowling                             ~Vincent Van Gogh
~Owen Wilson                            ~Socrates
~Marilyn Monroe ;)                   ~Andy Warhol
~Mike Tyson                              ~Pythagoras
~Angelina Jolie                         ~Michaelangelo
~Kim Basinger                          ~Nikola Tesla
~Ray Charles
~Eric Clapton
~Leonard Cohen
~Peter Gabriel
~Audrey Hepburn