You know things are messed up when you walk away from a clothing store near tears because you didn't understand the sale correctly. Here, I had thought the jeans and pants were buy one, get one at half off. After spending 30 minutes trying on and narrowing down my decision, and then standing in line for another 15 minutes, only to discover my mistake..... I walked out of the store empty handed and near tears. I felt like a complete idiot and fool. Seriously, who can't handle shopping without crying? Me! Seriously. Good grief O_o.
I'm the first one to admit, a large portion of my anxiety comes from money and never having enough. The fact I am unable to hold down and full-time job because of the combination of my Anxiety, Depression, and Fibromyalgia doesn't help my feeling of being helpless. I honestly feel like I am incapable of living a "normal" life. I often feel guilty due to the fact that I feel like my husband has the shitty end of the stick and has four kids instead of three. I mean honestly, who can't even manage to take their kids to school and handle cleaning the house after her family? That's right, you guessed it, me! Not to mention the fact that my nails are breaking off at the quick and my hair is falling out in chunks. I swear, I have as much hair on my head as Barbie does, it's pitiful.
I don't know that my outlook has changed much since this morning, but I think I have just become too tired to think about it. I feel exhausted! My legs are killing me, the muscles are tight and feel like my calves are so swollen that I had a difficult time zipping my boots. When I am standing, my head is swimmy and the world occasionally spins. My eyes are dry and heavy. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I just want to be a vegetable. No responsibilities or reason to be concerned.
I'm also concerned about my mom. We went to go see Grandpa yesterday (Christmas Day), and that was really hard on her. Grandma has been gone for eleven years now, and having to watch Grandpa slowly dwindle down to nothing is torturous. She has been his heart and soul for so many years, to not have that connection with him anymore, is heartbreaking for her. Her only sibling, her brother, moved to town last year and has since become isolated and refuses to talk to her, no explanation. Plus, my sister (my only sibling from my mother) is being a complete and total witch. She has come to exclude herself and her daughter from any family events in which I am involved. So, by trying to "punish" me, she is actually punishing my mother by not allowing her to have the family events she would like to host. Living 250 miles away from my mother and leaving her after the holidays have come to an end, is near traumatic. I feel absolutely horrible when I leave, knowing how isolated she feels. However, the idea of living in the town she lives in, makes my skin crawl. I've been there, done that. I can't stand the freezing cold tundra and the lack of sun for weeks on end. If I could have it my way, my husband would get a job that pays more than we could ever wish for, in a city which the sun shines 350 days a year, and we would be able to purchase a home with a mother-in-law apartment. Perfection. But, alas, perfection is impossible and nothing but a dream.
As I sit here, loading up on carbs (caramel corn and pizza), I can feel my gut expanding and my clothes becoming tighter. Love you too, Insulin Resistance! Anyway.... enough of my rambling. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, but don't tell me about it cause it will just make my mind go off on how shitty I feel about the price tag of mine.
Wishing your day is full of sunshine and gumdrops,
Misunderstood Rain Dancer
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